i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila