I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.