I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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