Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
