u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
