Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
