I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
