Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
