Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
