Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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