Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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