I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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