Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
