You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
