i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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