Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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