After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
