Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
