I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
