All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
