first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
