He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
