Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
