I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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