listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
