tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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