my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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