Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
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Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
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Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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