I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
