Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
