I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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