The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
