fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
