I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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