Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
