Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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