we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
