and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
