Don't make out with my wife yet
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
