just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located