I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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