He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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