It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
