I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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