Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
