idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
