what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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