My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Acid is not a monday night drug
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
