My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
