Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
