oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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