I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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