I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You left your phone here
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