Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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