I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
