She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
