she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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