Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
