My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
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Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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